the floodgate of feelings:)

some words breed as much pain, as silence does, they seep inside, and settle in, with a puncturing comfort,  reminding us of their existence, each time we forget. they make sure, that they make our memories work,  and like a machine, they revise, reproduce, refurnish,  like music, they ring in our ears, reminding us of our sin, our evil, our act and like a dagger they stab us, over and over they act like quick sand, dissolving us in, as time moves on,  they replicate the task of a fire, where they shrivel us, leave burn marks, or sometimes, turn us to nothing but mere ashes words have a despotic power, they alter us, explode in us, and drastically numb us but not all words do... those that work, are the ones coming out of people we love...

She picks up the dusty old book, and runs her hand over the fine thick cover, opens it Nostalgia hits, as she turns the pages, it flows open right onto the chapter she loved the most, and reading the words, she realized that she could read them with her eyes closed, they were committed to her mind, and written all over her heart, the valued words, attached to those treasured memories, which were not only the frivolities of those days gone by, but were the white light, which had guided her, the halo on her head which identified her, the wings on her back which helped her fly high, the white dress which made her feel safe and untainted, She hoped the chapter to never end, because it still helps her figure things out, when they go wrong, it still helps her be faithful, it still makes her smile everytime she cries. You were something sincere in her life. Something precious. And the only thing true. So she bookmarked you.

Love isn't simple  Life isn't  life when you try so hard to fight and strive the wrenching within the throbbing the twinge it tears you apart or helps you win    But you close your weak eyes In broad day light You pretend you didn’t feel And remain in forged delight you wait for things  to come around,  Hoping they might, What we don't know is  That we seem to be searching  For rainbows at night

as i burn down all the bridges linked up to my past i don't feel anymore lighter then i should have, instead, the presence of absence deep inside of me makes the pain heavier to bear and i can't stop thinking of, all the times we had when crying was never an option and laughing was genuine when company was, taken for granted, and love, was all we had  to be continued...

the floodgate of inconsistent feelings, set against my owns self, and then i relate to the feeling of being "nobodys enemy but my own" the tempest of thoughts, which roars inexorably within me, forces my  faith to waver back and forth, making me love the things i hate, and hate the things i love. the tempest storms around, plucking out all the onceupona courage i had, it damages the pride, and scatters my devotion, it turns the tables, and weaves its way into my mere existence, settling in, making my heart its home, and my mind its workplace! as i try to placate this uproar within me, it placates all the memories too, and as i set out on this insidious task of discovering myself, and understanding my motifs i realise that, understanding someone implies, that you stop blaming them and holding them accountable for the circumstance, it means that you know that they don't mean to voluntarily cause the pain, but it doesnt mean that you aren't pained!

I see you,  not just the lustful flesh.  I see you,  the inside. the soul, you're something new.  I see you,  and no further do i look.  I see you,  and my heart, no longer red is a depressing blue.  I tear it out,  pull it out, bite the arteries off.  I tear it out,  no longer in my chest, yet it beats. it shouts.  It lays in my palm,  a bloody mangle of blue and red.  It lays in my palm,  you stare at it, not scared, how can you be so calm?  It's yours i say,  you smile, you laugh, I think you're amazed.  It's yours i say,  you shift it to your hands, in your palm it lay.  You caress it,  touch it gently, press it sensuosly.  You caress it,  it beats faster, and faster, red flames, a fire is lit.  It sprays red,  blood splashes you, your face covered with sweetness.  It sprays red,  the blood arouses you, its scent fills your head.  You want more,  you gasp, you squeeze the heart tighter.  You want more,  You need to kill me, it'll satisfy your lust, of that

as the cold water clings to me and forces me down, i fight with it, but my strength is failing me,  so i give up the fight... it all started, with my mom screaming at me for being late from the party, " you are one of THE MOST irresponsible,INSOLENT, SPOILT, and STUBBORN brat-like daughter, i have EVER produced" "MOM! dont you thing you are over reacting?" "over reactin OVER REACTING? i will show you whats OVER REACTING!" <throwing her big blue shoe at me> she was going berserk, and was screaming at the top of her lungs, struck by the shoe, i compeletly lost it!  i grabbed my car keys, and strutted out the front door saying," dont wait up for me mom, you won't be seeing me anytime soon" driving out the car porch, i steered my car in the worst possible manner ever! breaking every red signal, and ignoring every speed limit sign, stopping by the nearby superstore, i grabbed a sackful of beer, and drank it, 50 miles after,

love ends the minute you stop wanting to be with that person, and begin trying too hard. love isnt love, when you have to fight hard for being happy, its unconditional, and ends the minute someone starts laying conditions, at that point we should realise that, it was just a lesson, from God, and we need to extract something positive out of it, since God makes no mistakes. since He has written each of us a life of our own, a life, which definitely, has the ability to give us the best:) all we need to do, is look hard, and keep in mind that, there is always hope, theres a sun in the day, and there are stars in the dark, there is a moon in a starless sky, and there is a rainbow after rain.

...and staring at the blank screen, i think and think, wondering what to write about, wondering how to put it in words, wondering how to make it all seem real.. the circle i keep travelling in has no end, even when i finally gather up the courage to break it, i break myself first, what i want to write, may seem like a repetition of what i have always been writing, but then again that's just how it is, an evil circle, an unfathomable darkness, an untamed dream... and i realize, that today, finally, the day has come where my own words fail me...:)

The pain is digging in her soul her insides are searing as she watches it all drift away she cant help screaming... but either her screams go unheard or you have stopped believing maybe something went misunderstood or maybe, the scars hold too much meaning... now it feels like she's holding on to whats no longer breathing what used to make her strong has left her bleeding... all the lies are easier to face its just the truth, which isn't leaving but as her hope sinks lower, that faith, is still not depleting because, when she thinks over and over, if the pain is worth the dealing? she always finds an answer by her floodgate of feelings....:)

It was September 22, 2010 Yet she still remembers...those frantic cries...those pleading prayers, those sleepless nights,those desperate apologies, and that sullen goodbye... it happened more then a year back, but its still fresh, those never-ending tears, those regrets, the excruciating pain of parting, and the want to know more...to know what had really happened. She still recalls those harsh words, those cold expressions and the frozen clock which took hours to tick away each second...! She even remembered the nervous breakdowns, the comas, the constant trips to doctors trying to figure out what was wrong, when all along she knew her best cure. But in spite of all the worries, the depression, the pain, the trauma... something still stopped her from walking away...something still stopped her from letting it all go. It was faith itself,  faith in all those words he said, in all those memories they made, those times spent together those laughs they cheered...