Sunday, 7 October 2012

mere words...

some words breed as much pain, as silence does, they seep inside, and settle in, with a puncturing comfort, 
reminding us of their existence, each time we forget.

they make sure, that they make our memories work, 
and like a machine, they revise, reproduce, refurnish, 
like music, they ring in our ears, reminding us of our sin, our evil, our act
and like a dagger they stab us, over and over

they act like quick sand, dissolving us in, as time moves on, 
they replicate the task of a fire, where they shrivel us, leave burn marks, or sometimes, turn us to nothing but mere ashes

words have a despotic power, they alter us, explode in us, and drastically numb us
but not all words do...
those that work, are the ones coming out
of people we love...

Thursday, 20 September 2012

she bookmarked you

She picks up the dusty old book,
and runs her hand over the fine thick cover, opens it
Nostalgia hits,
as she turns the pages, it flows open right onto the chapter she loved the most,
and reading the words, she realized that she could read them with her eyes closed, they were committed to her mind, and written all over her heart,
the valued words, attached to those treasured memories, which were not only the frivolities of those days gone by, but were the white light, which had guided her, the halo on her head which identified her, the wings on her back which helped her fly high, the white dress which made her feel safe and untainted,

She hoped the chapter to never end, because it still helps her figure things out, when they go wrong, it still helps her be faithful, it still makes her smile everytime she cries.

You were something sincere in her life.
Something precious.
And the only thing true.
So she bookmarked you.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Rainbows at night

Love isn't simple 
Life isn't life
when you try so hard
to fight and strive
the wrenching within
the throbbing the twinge
it tears you apart
or helps you win

  But you close your weak eyes
In broad day light
You pretend you didn’t feel
And remain in forged delight
you wait for things
 to come around,
 Hoping they might,
What we don't know is
 That we seem to be searching
 For rainbows at night

Thursday, 19 July 2012

love untainted...

as i burn down all the bridges
linked up to my past
i don't feel anymore lighter
then i should have,
the presence of absence
deep inside of me
makes the pain heavier to bear
and i can't stop
thinking of,
all the times we had
when crying was never an option
and laughing was genuine
when company was,
taken for granted,
and love,
was all we had 

to be continued...

Thursday, 28 June 2012

it makes my heart its home. and my mind its bureau...

the floodgate of inconsistent feelings, set against my owns self, and then i relate to the feeling of being

"nobodys enemy but my own"

the tempest of thoughts, which roars inexorably within me, forces my  faith to waver back and forth, making me love the things i hate, and hate the things i love.
the tempest storms around, plucking out all the onceupona courage i had, it damages the pride, and scatters my devotion,
it turns the tables, and weaves its way into my mere existence, settling in,
making my heart its home, and my mind its workplace!

as i try to placate this uproar within me, it placates all the memories too,

and as i set out on this insidious task of discovering myself, and understanding my motifs i realise that,

understanding someone implies, that you stop blaming them and holding them accountable for the circumstance, it means that you know that they don't mean to voluntarily cause the pain,
but it doesnt mean that you aren't pained!

 "I am not what I am supposed to be. I am quite another thing. Perhaps before I go further, I had better glance at what I AM supposed to be"     charles dickens

Saturday, 16 June 2012

you hold it high, but you love me, cant hurt me, its your turn to cry...

I see you, 
not just the lustful flesh. 
I see you, 
the inside. the soul, you're something new. 

I see you, 
and no further do i look. 
I see you, 
and my heart, no longer red is a depressing blue. 

I tear it out, 
pull it out, bite the arteries off. 
I tear it out, 
no longer in my chest, yet it beats. it shouts. 

It lays in my palm, 
a bloody mangle of blue and red. 
It lays in my palm, 
you stare at it, not scared, how can you be so calm? 

It's yours i say, 
you smile, you laugh, I think you're amazed. 
It's yours i say, 
you shift it to your hands, in your palm it lay. 

You caress it, 
touch it gently, press it sensuosly. 
You caress it, 
it beats faster, and faster, red flames, a fire is lit. 

It sprays red, 
blood splashes you, your face covered with sweetness. 
It sprays red, 
the blood arouses you, its scent fills your head. 

You want more, 

you gasp, you squeeze the heart tighter. 
You want more, 
You need to kill me, it'll satisfy your lust, of that I'm sure. 

You hold it high, 
smile a luscious smile, turn me weak. 
You hold it high, 
but you love me, can't hurt me, it's your turn to cry. 

But I smile back, 
I say, "do whatever you want, it's yours!" 
But I smile back, 
the heart's no longer blue, it's just dark, dead and black. 

You are free, 
to do as you please, you devour the heart. 
You are free, 
you consumeit, bite it, tear it, love, you're on a killing spree. 

And for you love, 
I'm hurt, I'm in pain, but I'm in love. 
And for you love, 
my heart is gone, I'll lay on God's altar up above. 

You hurt me, 
only because you need to do so. 
You hurt me, 
only because i want it, need it, in time you'll see. 

And I see you, 
not just the lustful flesh. 
I see you, 
my heart devouring lover, I'm in love with you.

p.s:i never wrote this poem, i couldn't possibly be worthy enough to write it:) but its something i read years and years back, yet never understood, how something so gentle as love, could be so tormenting,
but upon experiencing ( it would be unfair to see all) a little more of love,, i realise,that the line between love and hate, is very very thin, and very fragile!

Monday, 4 June 2012

Stranger than fiction...MY HERO!

as the cold water clings to me and forces me down, i fight with it, but my strength is failing me, 
so i give up the fight...

it all started,
with my mom screaming at me for being late from the party,
" you are one of THE MOST irresponsible,INSOLENT, SPOILT, and STUBBORN brat-like daughter, i have EVER produced"
"MOM! dont you thing you are over reacting?"
"over reactin OVER REACTING? i will show you whats OVER REACTING!"
<throwing her big blue shoe at me>

she was going berserk, and was screaming at the top of her lungs,
struck by the shoe, i compeletly lost it!
 i grabbed my car keys, and strutted out the front door saying," dont wait up for me mom, you won't be seeing me anytime soon"

driving out the car porch, i steered my car in the worst possible manner ever!
breaking every red signal, and ignoring every speed limit sign,

stopping by the nearby superstore, i grabbed a sackful of beer, and drank it,
50 miles after, i stopped by another super mart, and gulped down a few more beer cans!

and before i knew it, i had lost count of the number of beers i drunk,
lets just say,
that i was driving my car 80km/hour, and drank my beer at 5 cans/hour!

little did i know what i awaited me!
little did i know the consequences which layed ahead of me!
little did i know, that the fight i was gonna fight now, would be a much greater fight, then the "shoe-throwing" fight i had just run away from!

ignoring that one last sign board, which indicated the fenceless lake ahead
i flew!
YES YOU GUYS, i literally FLEW!

i lost control, and my car went flying in the lake, and i came flying out of my unlocked car door, and then..
the flying halted, and the sinking began!

ALAS, whoever said ignorance is a bliss, should be sued!

the cold water numbened my already numbened brain,
i had suddenly forgotten how to swim!
giving up, i dramatically spreaded my arms, and gave up the fight,

but then,
the MOST crazy and bizree thing happened, it was even more crazy then the shoe-throwing fight <yes i couldnt stop thnking about it>, and the flying car,
a disfigured man, 
jumped in, sank its big yellow square teeth in my arm,
and pulled me out, 
neighing, it dramatically shook its cropped brown mane! <roll eyes> 

panting, i layed down on the grass and thanked GOD for sending down, the most improbable, yet sturdy hero!
by now my drunkeness had worn out, and i stared at the sign board in disbelief which read,
"lake viola-2 feet"

laughing, i took another can of beer and drank to the craziness which lingered around that day!

YES, i know!, you were expecting a more heroic acounter with death or disaster!
but in al my 16 years, i have never drowned in a sea, i have never even seen a shark in the sea <let alone been eaten y one>, i have NEVER been rescued by a handsome hunk, a barn horse was as far as i could get!

Sunday, 25 March 2012

smile, theres a whole new day left...

love ends the minute you stop wanting to be with that person, and begin trying too hard.
love isnt love, when you have to fight hard for being happy,
its unconditional, and ends the minute someone starts laying conditions,

at that point we should realise that,
it was just a lesson, from God,
and we need to extract something positive out of it,
since God makes no mistakes.
since He has written each of us a life of our own, a life, which definitely, has the ability to give us the best:)
all we need to do, is look hard, and keep in mind that,
there is always hope,

theres a sun in the day, and there are stars in the dark, there is a moon in a starless sky, and there is a rainbow after rain.

Friday, 16 March 2012

...and staring at the blank screen, i think and think, wondering what to write about, wondering how to put it in words, wondering how to make it all seem real..
the circle i keep travelling in has no end, even when i finally gather up the courage to break it, i break myself first,
what i want to write, may seem like a repetition of what i have always been writing, but then again that's just how it is,
an evil circle, an unfathomable darkness, an untamed dream...
and i realize, that today, finally,
the day has come where
my own words fail me...:)

Monday, 23 January 2012

Hearing Her Heart

The pain is digging in her soul
her insides are searing
as she watches it all drift away
she cant help screaming...

but either her screams go unheard
or you have stopped believing
maybe something went misunderstood
or maybe, the scars
hold too much meaning...

now it feels like she's holding on
to whats no longer breathing
what used to make her strong
has left her bleeding...

all the lies are easier to face
its just the truth, which isn't leaving
but as her hope sinks lower,
that faith,
is still not depleting

because, when she thinks
over and over,
if the pain is worth the dealing?
she always finds an answer
by her floodgate of feelings....:)

Monday, 9 January 2012

Its not that i can't live without you, Its just that i dont want to...

It was September 22, 2010
Yet she still remembers...those frantic cries...those pleading prayers, those sleepless nights,those desperate apologies, and that sullen goodbye...
it happened more then a year back, but its still fresh, those never-ending tears, those regrets, the excruciating pain of parting, and the want to know know what had really happened.

She still recalls those harsh words, those cold expressions and the frozen clock which took hours to tick away each second...!

She even remembered the nervous breakdowns, the comas, the constant trips to doctors trying to figure out what was wrong, when all along she knew her best cure.

But in spite of all the worries, the depression, the pain, the trauma...
something still stopped her from walking away...something still stopped her from letting it all go.

It was faith itself, 
faith in all those words he said, in all those memories they made, those times spent together those laughs they cheered...and the tears they shared...!

It was trust which stopped her, trust in all those promises, those sparkling eyes, those warm arms, when he held her close...

It was hope, that hope which she had seen in his friendship, in all his dreams, and the expression which displayed itself on his face everytime they had talked about the future...

It was the truth. that undeniable truth which she had gotten to see in his secrets, in his love, in his perfection...and the way he called out her name...

It was life itself, which stopped her from letting go;
life which she knew,
life which she found nowhere... but in him.

Its January 2012, tonight, and she smiles, she smiles on the very fact that she didn't let go, and held on tight, she is happy that he is by her side today, she is amazed at the way how her faith, and love and trust has been proven true.
and she wonders...

fairy-tales do come true.