the floodgate of feelings:)

Love isn't simple  Life isn't  life when you try so hard to fight and strive the wrenching within the throbbing the twinge it tears you apart or helps you win    But you close your weak eyes In broad day light You pretend you didn’t feel And remain in forged delight you wait for things  to come around,  Hoping they might, What we don't know is  That we seem to be searching  For rainbows at night

as i burn down all the bridges linked up to my past i don't feel anymore lighter then i should have, instead, the presence of absence deep inside of me makes the pain heavier to bear and i can't stop thinking of, all the times we had when crying was never an option and laughing was genuine when company was, taken for granted, and love, was all we had  to be continued...

the floodgate of inconsistent feelings, set against my owns self, and then i relate to the feeling of being "nobodys enemy but my own" the tempest of thoughts, which roars inexorably within me, forces my  faith to waver back and forth, making me love the things i hate, and hate the things i love. the tempest storms around, plucking out all the onceupona courage i had, it damages the pride, and scatters my devotion, it turns the tables, and weaves its way into my mere existence, settling in, making my heart its home, and my mind its workplace! as i try to placate this uproar within me, it placates all the memories too, and as i set out on this insidious task of discovering myself, and understanding my motifs i realise that, understanding someone implies, that you stop blaming them and holding them accountable for the circumstance, it means that you know that they don't mean to voluntarily cause the pain, but it doesnt mean that you aren't pained! ...

I see you,  not just the lustful flesh.  I see you,  the inside. the soul, you're something new.  I see you,  and no further do i look.  I see you,  and my heart, no longer red is a depressing blue.  I tear it out,  pull it out, bite the arteries off.  I tear it out,  no longer in my chest, yet it beats. it shouts.  It lays in my palm,  a bloody mangle of blue and red.  It lays in my palm,  you stare at it, not scared, how can you be so calm?  It's yours i say,  you smile, you laugh, I think you're amazed.  It's yours i say,  you shift it to your hands, in your palm it lay.  You caress it,  touch it gently, press it sensuosly.  You caress it,  it beats faster, and faster, red flames, a fire is lit.  It sprays red,  blood splashes you, your face covered with sweetness.  It sprays red,  the blood arouses you, its scent fills your head.  You want ...

as the cold water clings to me and forces me down, i fight with it, but my strength is failing me,  so i give up the fight... it all started, with my mom screaming at me for being late from the party, " you are one of THE MOST irresponsible,INSOLENT, SPOILT, and STUBBORN brat-like daughter, i have EVER produced" "MOM! dont you thing you are over reacting?" "over reactin OVER REACTING? i will show you whats OVER REACTING!" <throwing her big blue shoe at me> she was going berserk, and was screaming at the top of her lungs, struck by the shoe, i compeletly lost it!  i grabbed my car keys, and strutted out the front door saying," dont wait up for me mom, you won't be seeing me anytime soon" driving out the car porch, i steered my car in the worst possible manner ever! breaking every red signal, and ignoring every speed limit sign, stopping by the nearby superstore, i grabbed a sackful of beer, and drank it, 50 miles after,...

love ends the minute you stop wanting to be with that person, and begin trying too hard. love isnt love, when you have to fight hard for being happy, its unconditional, and ends the minute someone starts laying conditions, at that point we should realise that, it was just a lesson, from God, and we need to extract something positive out of it, since God makes no mistakes. since He has written each of us a life of our own, a life, which definitely, has the ability to give us the best:) all we need to do, is look hard, and keep in mind that, there is always hope, theres a sun in the day, and there are stars in the dark, there is a moon in a starless sky, and there is a rainbow after rain.

...and staring at the blank screen, i think and think, wondering what to write about, wondering how to put it in words, wondering how to make it all seem real.. the circle i keep travelling in has no end, even when i finally gather up the courage to break it, i break myself first, what i want to write, may seem like a repetition of what i have always been writing, but then again that's just how it is, an evil circle, an unfathomable darkness, an untamed dream... and i realize, that today, finally, the day has come where my own words fail me...:)